Goals and needs

At first, this day felt like a waste. You eat and you sleep, sit still inside and read something unimportant. You're wasted. Well then, if you get yourself to stop and look up, even move through space, you begin to move in time and in the train of thought. You find out that you have once-in-a-lifetime experiences, catch a hint of self-realization.

I remember the morning now. I was waked up by my father, which helped me remember the latest fragment of my dream. I dreamed I built up a cathedral of paper, with a mortar of mud. At the same time the cathedral was a cloak carried by my mother. She was leaving for a pilgrimage of some sort. Still, it was raining outside and I worried that the water would soften and break the cloak-cathedral; besides, I was yet to add towers to it, and wondered if I'd build them around my mothers hands.

When I went cycling I was reminded by my happy discoveries of teenager's questions, by "my book". It gets me down to acknowledge how I've let down and scattered my personal project, the story-world where my problems would be metaphorically solved. I drew my hand this morning, and found out that I get easily frustrated. Where's my patience? Where is my time?

During my healing road trip I noticed myself singing out loud, questioning myself. Of course one is able to do the things one wants. Just if - there's a reason.

Why don't you take it as your goal? Why don't you claim it as your own?

I kept repeating that, and got a somewhat curious answer.

You have been tainted by your love, you've been ashamed of who you are.

Building on these simple thoughts I continued my singing, probably with the usual amount of nonsense, and the breath of nature got to heal me once again. Now, afterwards, I ponder on how love, commitment and shame are connected to each other.

So let there be light, peace, and responsability. So I need to get up in the morning, I need to brush my teeth with care, I promised myself to walk out and look for the plant called humala before going to sleep, just to see it it's time for harvesting. This is not a must, this is a need for being friends with yourself.